Coffee is my homeboy. I really love that shit. It makes me a better human. I have probably consumed at least several cups before second breakfast. I don’t understand what a “cut off” time means (I don’t care that it’s 7:30 in the evening. I WANT IT. Just please, give me the drugs.) I genuinely enjoy the buzz it gives me and at this point in my life, I’m not really sure how to function without it. Above all, I just really appreciate a really good cup of that stuff. Like, I just paid $17.00 for that pound of beans but it was worth every cent because, damn! Those are some high-quality beans—is that blueberry I taste? Sweet Jesus.
I worked for Starbucks during my teens on the east coast, galavanted across Europe for a few weeks, returned stateside and began working at a local coffee roastery. By then, I was spoiled by European espresso and no longer accustomed to the slightly charred taste of most of Starbucks blends. But, still, I drink Starbucks on the regular. Blasphemy, you might say but if you’ve ever lived a vagabonding, van-dwelling, dirtbag life for even a short stint in time, then you know that Starbucks is the absolute best place in the world.
Okay, yeah. The beans often taste burnt. Yes, a majority of their specialty drinks are sugar-laden and uber-fattening (470 calories and whipped cream isn’t going to help you send 5.13, bruh.) And with a continuous bump in prices, those specialty drinks wind up costing you well over $6.00 (that’s one third of a bag of high-quality chalk!) But the fact that I can spend a few bucks for a hot cup of joe and free wifi is invaluable to me. Many of you tech-savvy, IT, work-remotely dirtbags know this. Additionally, store hours are often better than many coffee shops I’ve been to while road tripping. Most Starbucks cafes stay open until at least 8 p.m. or later–which means I don’t have to sit outside in the parking lot, poaching wifi for another hour.
You can find a Starbucks almost anywhere while on the road. They always seem to be at your nearest convenience. Some locations are even equipped with easy, mobile pay options and drive-thrus, which is fantastic. I’ve been driving alone in a car for seven hours and I don’t want to talk to another human. Also, I smell. Speaking of personal hygiene, you can always count on having your own private bathroom so you can grab that quick sink shower and not feel weirdly ashamed.
There is one on every major city street corner, in every shopping center, airport, and highway rest stop. I’ve even seen multiple shops set up on a single Manhattan block. I can fill up my Nalgene with water, grab a hot cup to go, and have a pleasant, private poop before getting back into a car for the next five-hour block.
As much as we all love to hate corporate America (especially those who don’t actually know what a cappuccino is or has made-up beverage sizes), Starbucks has remained consistently convenient over the years. Maybe they really are an evil corporate company, but they also have a reward program that gifts me a free drink on my birthday every year, not to mention I get a ten-cent discount for bringing in my own filthy, crusty, unwashed mug. They’ll even rinse it out with hot water with a smile if you ask them to nicely enough. That doesn’t seem too evil to me.
Starbucks did not sponsor this post. I was really just hoping to get a free bag of beans and maybe an Instagram shoutout tbh.