I had sent my first sport climb 12b/c in Ten Sleep, Wyoming last summer. Ten Sleep is one of my favorite sport climbing destinations, nestled just beyond a sleepy little cowboy town. My first trip up to the infamous summer time crag was with my friends, Katie Bono, Sav Cummins, and Victoria Brunner. Katie had plans to head to the east coast at the end of summer because she had gotten into med school, so she raged pretty much every hard climb at every wall we visited. It was impressive, not to mention so much fun, to watch a fellow female climber just crushing 11s, 12s, and 13s, left and right.

Truthfully, I hadn’t been climbing very much that summer, or even all spring. I was living in Long Island City last fall and then Chattanooga and had just finished up two of my Gunks and T-wall projects. I was feeling satiated with climbing, which was kind of nice, and had just begun working on a new project (this podcast!) I watched everybody warm up on 11s and 12s and while they were projecting much harder grades, I happily projected the warm-up routes.

Katie is just a powerhouse and, feeling motivated from watching consecutive weekend sends, she, Victoria, and I all set out for the Shinto Wall that afternoon. I was infatuated with the wall from the first climb. Shinto is stacked with amazing quality limestone climbs and we sampled some of the best. I tried my hand at Center El Shinto (12b/c, although Mountain Project calls it an a/b) and fell the first time trying to scrape my way through the techy crux. I felt satisfied with my try, but climbing with Katie is just fuel for your stoke, and when she asked me if I would try it one more time, I said yes and tied in. On my second attempt, I pulled through the crux but surprised myself when I did. Not knowing what to do next because I wasn’t anticipating making the move clean, I took another winger. I’ll come back and get it next time, I thought.

Two weeks later, I drove up again with Evan Raines and on our last day, went back to Sector Shinto. The route begins in a seam and progressively gets harder as you ascend. I’d tried it a few days ago and worked out my beta, but still no send. This time, on my second attempt, I made my way through the slightly leaning technical crux, worked my way left to the traverse, caught my breath and continued out right to clip the bolt. I clipped the anchors not too long after. I was lowered, feeling pleased.

Not too long after, we all looked at the time and realized that Dirty Sally’s closed in forty minutes. Evan and I hastily packed our belongings and ran down the entire descent path.

I yelled back, “Is this what trail running is like?”

“Yes, but usually without a backpack!” Evan called from behind me. We made it back down to the car and out of the canyon. On the drive back through the canyon, I told Evan that maybe Ten Sleep grades were maybe a little soft. (Ok, maybe I was also comparing it to New River Gorge grades.)

“I just don’t normally send 12 sport climbs,” I defended my statement. “That’s not a thing I do. I don’t warm up on 11s, either.” Then Evan pointed something out to me: “Maybe it is different rock and a different style than what you normally climb, but you shouldn’t downplay your abilities. You sent that thing–and it was a 12.”

I told him I appreciated this and thought about it some more. It became apparent that a clear pattern exists–maybe not for all women, but definitely for me. I have a history of being too quick to downplay my accomplishments, not just in climbing, but in other areas of my life as well. I will often describe my role as only a footnote, rather than acknowledging my successes.

In Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Lean In”, she mentions that women are consistently less likely to consider themselves as qualified and have difficulty articulating their accomplishments in front of others. Sandberg says, “Ask a man to explain his success and he will typically credit his own innate qualities and skills. Ask a woman the same question and she will likely attribute her success to external factors, insisting she did well because ‘she worked really hard,’ or ‘got lucky’ or ‘had help from others.’ ”

I suppose that reinforcing self-belief is like exercising a muscle and requires constant work. Even something as simple as disengaging from the occasional negative self-talk is a step in the right direction. We could all work on developing a kinder, gentler inner dialogue with more empathy and love–maybe if we were all better at nurturing ourselves, we could start treating others the same.

Evan and I made it to Dirty Sally’s at 5:50 p.m., just in time to order five ice cream cones (yes, five). I ruminated as I sat outside on the bench, taking turns licking each one, letting the brain freeze slowly kick in.

Cover photograph courtesy of Savannah Cummins.

6 thoughts

  1. It is said that we should do unto others as we would do unto ourselves. However, the converse is also true. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others. This is a hard lesson for many folks to learn, including myself. Although diminishing one’s own accomplishments and abilities may be disproportionately common among women given the sociocultural context in which we live, I also struggle with this behavior. What’s been particularly helpful for me is to recognize that in undermining my efforts, I am doing so to others by extension. In turn, by celebrating my successes, I am am celebrating the successes of others who did the same.

  2. I think a lot of people get sucked into this line of thinking, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard something like: “That climb can’t be a (fill in the grade) because I don’t climb that hard.” Sure, there are legit “soft” climbs out there, but most of the time these are people who are either downplaying their accomplishment (like you were) or don’t have enough experience to really make an accurate judgement. As a friend once told me, if the grade is in the book, then take it! Nice job on the send!

  3. Congratulations on the climb! I’ve often been told I’m my own worst enemy, and while that doesn’t directly translate to your experience, I can certainly relate to being hard on oneself.

    How have you navigated self-compassion and care since this experience?

  4. I feel you as you explain each step you take to the next climb to take you where you are going. I was visiting my little sister in California when her family lived there and she took me to this park that they had booth set up around the park. Well the military had the wall climbing wall there and mind you I scared of heights. I decide to climb the rock wall I was doing good made it to the top and when he said let go. That when my brain kicked in and said let go are you crazy. He came back again and told me to let go he has ahold of me. Well the saying goes “The willing is easy to let loose.” Well my mind was telling me to let go but my finger were telling me different. I finally was able to convince my fingers to let go so they could propel me down the rock wall. I am okay climbing until I look down or over the edge and that when I freeze. I love rock climbing if I could get of my fear of heights. But I like your story it has a lot of meaning to the challenges we face in our life and in the choices that we make in our life how risky life will be for us.

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